Meeting your soulmate… What a fabulous idea! Evidently, everyone wants to meet their ideal partner with whom you share oh so much in common. Now we all know perfection is simply not of this world and eternal bliss without bumps in the road is simply not possible. However it is possible to find that special person with whom you can easily get along and share a very happy and fulfilling relationship. Why then are so many people constantly plagued by constant fails in their sentimental lives? Is it because they are simply less physically blessed? Less intelligent? Less easy to live with? No! Every Jack finds his Jill! Why then is it so difficult to find love? This series of 5 articles will reflect on this subject and hopefully help you get into the disposition to meet that special person.
Often when I talk with long standing bachelors/bachelorettes about their failures in love, I rapidly realize the impact their past relationships have played on their vision of future loves. In reality, whether their past relationships left a good or bad impression, the case is more often than not that it continues to hold too large a spot in their hearts and their current love lives! The ghosts of these past relationships return to haunt them and often drive the current relationship to failure.
These are those relationships of which we exit broken and abused and… Disillusioned! We vow to never get stuck again in a similar pattern and do everything to make it so! In the search for new love, this individual will make every effort to avoid anyone who even remotely makes them think of this traumatic phase of their life. Be it in appearance, personality traits, voice, or other trait, if something links this new relationship to a past traumatic one the relationship is doomed to failure. And let’s face it, if one really wants to stretch things it is quite easy to find similarities in just about anything thus unfortunately eliminating good potential candidates! Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that one should not learn from past experiences BUT it is primordial to not generalise! There is no correlation to say that because your past lover was unfaithful that the first time your mate comes home late the sky is falling!
Additionally, it is important to “disarm the alarm” when we chose to get serious with someone. If I take my past example around infidelity it is not because you’ve been cheated on that this will necessarily repeat itself. Harboring constant doubt does nothing to solidify a relationship… all the contrary! Your new lover does not need to assume responsibility of your past experiences and it would be unfair to project false intentions onto them that they probably simply do not have. One must give each runner their fair shot. It is important to properly “clean your closet of its demons and leave the past where it belongs!
The perfect relationship
On the other side of the pendulum there are those who have lost the ideal partner. In their quest for love, they constantly seek out the twin of this lost lover. Here again, the comparisons can go on and on! The individual seeking love will often times search for similar traits. Some will say that knowing what you want will help narrow down the search. This is not entirely false however it is important to not fall in a pattern of constant comparisons and truly focus on what those important traits are! Evidently, if you are a person for whom travel is an important part of your life you need to find someone sharing this passion however this is in no way a comparison with your past flame! It is simply the process of identifying what works or not for us. It is clearly not related to physical or superficial elements such as perfume or hair style!
This type on constant comparing is extremely difficult to endure for your new partner who will be under the impression to live through your past souvenirs. This problem becomes even more so an issue when the relationship is tested and this “Ex” becomes an invisible competitor impossible to dethrone! Your new lover deserves to be loved specifically for who he/she is and not for whom they remind you of.
Finally, there are those who carry old prejudices dating way back to their childhood and what they observed as a child. Your father was violent, your mother manipulative… they were both infidel to each other. Ok, not exactly the ideal example of a healthy relationship! This however does not mean that ALL men are violent, that all women are manipulative and that infidelity is a necessary evil in all relationships! Here again it is important to let each runner have his try! In this case, the runner is your burgeoning relationship!
Now let’s get this straight it is not easy to detach oneself from these beliefs, prejudices and feelings buried deep in our subconscious mind. Even more so if you have yet to realize how much they are poisoning your present life! It is, none the less, highly important to do so in order to sincerely open oneself to a healthy relationship. No one likes being compared to ghosts, be it good or bad!
In the next article of this series, we will go into various strategies to use to validate if your past flames are continuing to impact your current relationships and, if this is the case, how to clean things up and move on to finding that special someone!